Friday, September 28, 2012

How I don't make it work

It appears that the dreaded shrinks, i.e. empty nest syndrome is not just the loss of my baby to school, but the loss of me. The Who Am Me thing is rather getting in the way as I now have...

an overbearing pressure to: Get.A.Job.

This makes me feel incompetent - I haven't had a proper job in over eight years. My last job was freelancing in Barcelona - as long as I made enough dough to cover my rent, which was minimal, buy a few bottles of vino tinto, crackers, garlic, olive oil - life was sweet.

Falling pregnant with twins in Barca sent my life spinning, unhinged, in a very different direction...I have barely looked up since, until this week. But, woooaahh, the view is extremely different.

The pernicious 21st century idea that women, and men, can have it all, is, quite frankly: a load of bollocks. This anxiety inducing mirage pedalled by the media, consumerism and, quite probably, our own insecure ego is a total pain in the arse - isn't it?

Everyone feels the same, surely, yet don't we all push on with this corrupt illusion of trying to outdo each other.

Will jelly-making and washing socks be enough to withstand the outside pressure I wonder...

Yet, yet, YET. YES. There is the answer: it is outside pressure and I am allowing it to invade my psyche. Who actually expects me to achieve all this STUFF? The beautiful house, the handsome husband, the mind-blowing sex-life, the contented, socially-adept children, the fabulous career and socially keeping up.

Who expects it?

Moi.

And therein lies my problem.



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2 Comments:

Anonymous Nicky Caulfield said...

So true Han. I have been feeling the very same lately - letting the constant question of 'Are you going back to work' make me feel like I really should be thinking about it ... and my littlest isn't at school yet.

September 28, 2012 at 6:08 PM  
Blogger Hannah Sturgeon said...

NIcky - so lovely top hear your thoughts. And thats what I think, we all feel the same, whether we work or not - guilt that we do and guilt that we don't - is that not the one constant of motherhood; guilt?
Be proud of bringing up your children and realise that that choice is the best thing for our society and for your babies.

September 29, 2012 at 11:32 AM  

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